Life as an Extreme Sport

StressBunny

I’m a bit stressed tonight. I’ve had a really upset stomach since, well, last night’s adventures with ambien (which left several friends with amusing email, and a LJ post that’s just odd), which is being made worse by my need for painkillers. On top of that, I’m stressed about my thesis, people/friends, other people’s theses, classes, what the hell I’m doing with my life, whether or not any graduate programs will accept me…

…two things occured to me this evening, while I was reading as friends graded papers. The first is that I bite off, perhaps, a touch more than I can chew. I’m basically yanking a good friend through the process of writing a thesis (not that I know what I’m doing), because enough extenuating circumstances exist that I don’t feel like it’s a case of slackeritis, and I help my friends when it comes down to it. I have faith that once he gets a bit of faith in himself the project will take off on its own, it just feels a bit weird in the meantime (because I’m who to be helping anyone but myself, again?).

The second thing that occured to me, as I read about violent pornography and de Sade, Dahmer and other really unpleasant stuff is that I actually really enjoy being around people, and that there are people in my life I can sit quietly with… is an awesome feeling. I need to figure out how to not be a hermit while I’m broke. It was also nice to be around people who would take a 2 minute break to joke around and relieve the tension of the horrible material I was reading, and then dive back into our respective works – no questioning about the reading, no feeling of being ignored; smiles and jokes and comfortable silence. A good thing.

Erotic Morality and Affect

These are general thoughts from and spawned by the book Erotic Morality: The Role of Touch in Moral Agency by Linda Holler, and just get your mind out of the gutter right now, children. From the back cover, “Erotic Morality examines the role of the senses and emotions, especially touch, in moral reflection and agency. Moving from organic disorders such as autism to culturally induced feeling disorders found in dualistic philosophy, pornography, and some forms of sadomasochism, Linda Holler argues that reclaiming the sentient awareness necessary to our physical and moral well-being demands healing the places where we have become numb or hypersensitive to touch.” One of the things she says is “our understanding of love, like our understanding of morality, has been privatized and sexualized.” So, she’s moving the discussion away from sexual morality and the private arena towards discussing our capacity for intimacy and passion in the public arena.

Anyhow, with that background, this is just basically me thinking ‘aloud’ about the first two chapters (“Autistic Touch–Body as Prison” and “Disembodied Touch–Body as Object”), and speculating on just what an affect-centered ethics might mean, as part of an assignment around my undergraduate thesis.

The first lesson in erotic morality that we can learn from…is the importance of touch and emotion in connecting self to world. -Holler, p 57

Shared pain is lessoned, shared joy increased–thus do we refute entropy. -Callahan’s Law of Conservation of Joy and Pain

Autonomy requires a strong clinging to self in order to keep the boundaries of ‘I’ impermeable. To touch the world, to be in contact and communication with it–to affect it–those boundaries must come down. You must be able to dissolve yourself into the perspective of another, not only to feel with them, sharing in their joy and pleasure, but to suffer with them as well. So then we must not only blur the artificial boundary Descartes erected between mind and body, we must also blur the boundary between self and other in order to effectively affect (and be affected).

How does this then apply to medical ethics? It could be that we need to borrow from John Rawls and utilize his theory of justice and the veil of ignorance–make our decisions not based on what we would logically (inherent rational thought coupled with desire) but that we make the decision with emphasis on a feeling and the acknowledgment of pleasure and pain.1 This would likely necessitate doctors moving away from the rational, knowing diagnostic/empiricist machine and towards a more speculative and e-motive (almost literally with movement; doctors have abysmal body language) dialogue. For example, when describing a patient in a persistent vegetative state, a doctor should clearly explain what we know of the autonomous nervous system and the current understanding of the sensory experiences that the PVS patient could be experiencing outside of the higher cognitive processes associated with feeling: that although s/he can experience pain via said autonomous nervous system, and will flinch, this reaction is much in the way an anemone reacts to painful stimulus in the environment, and is not indicative of feeling; pain cannot be processed on a cognitive level that gives name to the feeling.

In an ideal world, the primary caregiver(s) would then need to think, if they could not know if they were the person in this action/reaction feedback loop, the caregiver, or the doctor, would they want to risk being stuck in that feedback loop of experiencing pain and being unable to end it on their own? What sort of decision would they make if they had to assume they were the worst off of the group of options? How would they mitigate damages to receive greatest benefit?2

Of course, then the question comes back to how affect-centered ethics differs from social contract theory, specifically Rawls’ envisioning of social contract theory. The best answer I have right now is that Rawls is still utilizing a very utilitarian cost-benefit approach in his model, and I want to move away from an impartial/empirical notion of ethics and towards one that emphasizes the connectivity between people. Adam3 ran with my original example of autonomy being the idea that we’re all islands unto ourselves and pointed out that if you remove the water between the islands, they’re all a single connected landmass. We have no visible barrier fluid between us as individuals (because we are not going to go to Elizabeth Grosz, no matter how tempting), but perhaps we could refer back to Merleau-Ponty and see the air as that binding medium, and under that binding medium we are all joined as one.4

Any which way, I’m starting to feel a pressure on clarifying the alternative to autonomy. Another suggestion I’ve received is that it’s a question of scale, and I need to shift focus a level up from autonomy and approach the question there. I think this is an incredibly valid and viable suggestion; Powell’s kindly delivered me two books today, O’Neill’s Autonomy and Trust in Bioethics and Gaylin and Jennings’ The Perversion of Autonomy; I’m hoping that these two might give me a bit of direction and grounding. And, of course, I’m more than open to (further) suggestion…

Well, I was almost right…

I now know what I need to say, when, why and how. It won’t be the negative horror I was dreading and anticipating, but instead a loving conversation full of support and care.

Nice to see I can be so optimistic at 3am. Life, however, rarely works out to optimism, and things shifted at first very strongly towards the negative. There was talking, but the results were kind of grim. And then things took unexpected turns, and one expression of the desire to throttle later, things seem to be back on solidly firm ground.

Fear is such a strange and strong thing. It protects, but also hurts us in that effort to protect; shuts us down and away from what it is we want and need for the security of the safety of how things are. And we feel it, physically – the tightening of the body, the shoulders drawn inwards, the eyes looking down, the stomach clenched and muscles poised for flight. The relief that floods through you when you just close your eyes and take the risk to get what you want, need, is rather amazing. There is a physicality to it; I guess reinforcing the idea that there is no mind/body disconntect.

And as an aside, one should not cry when one has goth-raccoon eye make-up on. It’s just not attractive in any way,…