I’m a bit stressed tonight. I’ve had a really upset stomach since, well, last night’s adventures with ambien (which left several friends with amusing email, and a LJ post that’s just odd), which is being made worse by my need for painkillers. On top of that, I’m stressed about my thesis, people/friends, other people’s theses, classes, what the hell I’m doing with my life, whether or not any graduate programs will accept me…
…two things occured to me this evening, while I was reading as friends graded papers. The first is that I bite off, perhaps, a touch more than I can chew. I’m basically yanking a good friend through the process of writing a thesis (not that I know what I’m doing), because enough extenuating circumstances exist that I don’t feel like it’s a case of slackeritis, and I help my friends when it comes down to it. I have faith that once he gets a bit of faith in himself the project will take off on its own, it just feels a bit weird in the meantime (because I’m who to be helping anyone but myself, again?).
The second thing that occured to me, as I read about violent pornography and de Sade, Dahmer and other really unpleasant stuff is that I actually really enjoy being around people, and that there are people in my life I can sit quietly with… is an awesome feeling. I need to figure out how to not be a hermit while I’m broke. It was also nice to be around people who would take a 2 minute break to joke around and relieve the tension of the horrible material I was reading, and then dive back into our respective works – no questioning about the reading, no feeling of being ignored; smiles and jokes and comfortable silence. A good thing.