Life as an Extreme Sport

Day One

Dear Mars,
Yesterday was interesting. Day one, I suppose you could call it, of my ‘getting over’ you. For the first time in my life, I have been able to identify with what an addict must go thru during withdrawal. The day was not a matter of just working, it was a conscious effort to get through every minute, every hour, without calling or writing you. There is peace, however. Something I’ve not felt in a while – life has settled a bit, I suppose. I’m no longer wondering what will happen, and when. It’s a bit like having had your wisdom teeth out – something that was such an intimate part of your every day life is gone, and there is a gaping hole, yet at the same time there is a huge relief of pressure. (Perhaps a bad analogy.)

I don’t want to mislead you into thinking my day was miserable – it wasn’t. In fact, a lot of it was awfully fun. There were some interesting exchanges with several guys; the noteworthy was of course with Sachin. He did the cutest little “wave hello without letting his friends see he was waving hello” thing in the cafeteria. Jim (one of my coworkers) and I also had a blast teasing him about looking to see if people were married. Poor guy couldn’t get himself out of the hole he had dug there – first claimed that it was hard not to notice, then tried to pass it off on the lights being bright, reflecting off of shiney objects, and finally fell back to saying he was just observant, because the jewelry a person wears tells a lot about them. “Some guy with a plain ring is likely to be boring” – I thought you would agree with that. (Jim, of course, has a plain gold wedding ring.)

I had some good conversations with some other people, too. Getting back on track with Karen, and spent a good hour talking to Matt, one of the server guys, too. In the evening, I hung out in Shiloh and TeamCT – Willie went out of his way to keep me entertained last night, which was sweet. For some reason, the nights are a lot harder right now. The emptiness of the hallways here reflects the emptiness inside of me. I compensate by turning the music up loudly and trying to focus on other tasks … but it’s just a minor distraction.

I also just found out that my gaming session has been cancelled for this weekend, which leaves me wondering what to do with tomorrow. The practical part of me says I should come in to work – I’ve got quite an impressive backlog of ‘important things’ at the moment, and working over the weekend could really help me get caught up. Deb is also going back to Vermont tomorrow, and I’m sure Russ could use the company. Who knows – I’ll decide in the morning.

Speaking of work, I should be…

When You Have A Quiet Moment…

Well, six hours. I was hoping for at least twenty four. I’d make a self deprecating comment about my lack of will power, except I think I have a valid reason for writing. I hope you’ll at least hear me out. If not… well, I understand.

I’ve been trying, pretty much since the day we saw it, to live life by the Rent credo. “There’s only us. There’s only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today.” It goes quite well with the other truth in life I try to live by – never leave angry, you might never see the person again.

I’m afraid I’ve not been living by either one very well. Although I agree with the Rent credo (living in either the past or the future alone is bad), I don’t think it’s possible to only be focused on the moment – life loses just as much focus that way as it does if you only look to the past, or future. And as for leaving angry… I think it’s pretty obvious I did that.

It might amuse you, at least somewhat ironically, that I had not intended to break things off with you yesterday. I suppose you could say that I got cold feet and chickened out once I started talking to you; based on your comments about Jan 10th not having any ‘meaning’ anymore, and your comments about not really being married, I assumed you wouldn’t care to hear what I had to suggest. I felt like making the suggestion would put me even farther out on a limb, and end up doing nothing but making me more vulnerable. (It was, for the record, a suggestion to see a marriage/family counselor, while continuing on with things as they had been.)

I had wanted to have a calm conversation with you to discuss things, and have breaking up be the option if you weren’t willing to compromise on something, so that I felt the balance was more equal. Unfortunately that didn’t happen; some of that can be attributed to stresses you’re not aware of, I’m sure some can be attributed to stresses that I’m not aware you’re under, some of it is obvious. A lot of it came from the things you said – although I do appreciate your honesty, it hurts to hear I don’t mean what I once meant to you. (And it’s confusing to try to understand why you would have wanted anything to do with me, if I don’t hold the meaning I once did.)

Anyhow; that’s all irrelevant. I’m sorry that I left angry, and that you did as well. It’s not the memory of you I want to carry with me (and I don’t want you to remember me angry with you). If I could do it over again, I would. Since I can’t, I hope you accept my apology for not having been as graceful as I had wanted to be.

With fondest memory,