Life as an Extreme Sport

Concepts of Means

...and everything else, Summer 05, Summer Institute

The concept of means misses their reality. The taste for things, the appetite for reality, is not an agitation to compensate for inner lacks. The water we drink is not just a means to lubricate our inner organs; the thirty mouth drinks too much or too little, savoring the body and the bouquet of the wine, tasting the luminous mirth of the spring pouring out of the rocks. The foodstuffs obtained to refurbish depleted body protein and evaporated body liquids dissolve, for the taste that savors them, into terrestrial and celestial bounty. In the berries we gather as we walk through the meadow we relish the savor of summer. The substances that nourish us are not means for action that will seek for more means which are each time means for something further. After a good dinner, we turn to squander our energies on flowers planted in the garden in the glowing sunset, in kisses and caresses lost on an affectionate cockatoo, on the somnolent body of a lover. The colors and the shadows that contour the visible and lead the restless gaze in aimless circumnavigations through the environment fo not simply serve to locate what we need or want. Sigh is not an intentionality made of distress or desire. Vitalized, illuminated, and nourished by the substance of colored and translucent things, sight becomes high-spirited life. It caresses the colors, forms, contours and shadows, making them glow for themselves with their own lights.
-Alphonso Lingis, The Imperative, “Intimate and Alien Things”

In the beginning, there was panic…

The Great Grad Hunt

So last week I bought myself a GRE prep book. It’s sitting on the printer, sort of glowering in a faintly menacing way, as if to say “I hold the key to your success in my pulpy little hands, and I’m going to give you a paper cut if you get too close.” I’m thinking about making Wednesday evening, from 6-8, or something like that, my study times. I got so brave as to look up testing information yesterday, but discovered (to my horror) that the nearest computerized testing center is in Mountlake Terrace. A beast to be slain another day – first, I’ll just focus on the whole not remembering algebra thing.

Of course, prepping for the GRE is pointless if the school wants a subject test instead of generalized, so now the great school hunt begins. Today, I looked at the following:

* Duke University, at least the programs I’m interested in, only wants the generalized test. This is good. They also publish what the average test results are – perhaps not so good, at least for me. Then again, I know I have a competitive GPA, so… they also seem to offer funding in all the departments I’m looking at, so long as I do the PhD route. Screw paying for a masters; gimme that tuition waiver plus $20,000. Looks like I should have any application completed by November.

* Rutgers. I’m not sure what department I’d apply to here; looks like some of the philosophy folks are doing work that’s compatable with my own; at least on days when I know what my work is. The reason to go here would be Elizabeth Grosz, but I’m not certain how much time she’d have for someone outside Women’s Studies, and I’m not crazy enough to want to PhD in that. Looks like Dec 1st is a good application date.

* UCSC. I have some doubts here. Although I know I’d love to work with Jenny Reardon, I’m not certain I can see myself in a sociology program, or getting a degree in such. The History of Consciousness program, although always sounding fabu, has me a bit apprehensive – zero funding, limited TAships, and a retiring faculty of knowns with most of the other faculty quite unknown. November would be the earliest date I’d have to consider handing in applications, at any rate…

At this point, the sheer, blind panic is starting to set in, which means it’s beyond time to stop doing any sort of research for the evening.

so few sweet dreams

...and everything else, life and living

I took an ambien last night to sleep, something that will become more common the next few days while I reset my sleeping schedule. The resulting dreams were… unpleasent, to say the least. Nightlong dreams of trust and then the shock of betrayal; I know a lot of dreams feel nightlong, but it’s not too often, you groggily wake up through-out the night to note the time, and the dream progresses along with those waking ups. Strange that what was still probably only 5-10 minutes at the very most is so stuck with me now.

It was a dream of breaking up, of getting back together, happiness, and then utter and complete betrayal. Not just breaking up, but finding out about lie after lie after lie, sitting around a table with family and lawyers and just finding one thing after another ripped out from under me, belief after belief systematically destroyed. I would say “but you said” and the counter would be a calm “I lied because you made me.” “But you promised” – “I had no choice”, “Didn’t you ever…” – “No.”

And I wonder why I have trust issues.

and to do

...and everything else, life and living

There are a lot of things I want to do, places I’d like to see, and things I want to accomplish. I’m not going to succeed in any of them if I don’t start applying myself just a wee bit more, to life, health, living.

It’s a sobering realization, and I hope it’s one that helps motivate me to do the things I need to do to take care of myself and reach the goals I’m setting.