“I’m still feeling weird about the finality of a divorce. We haven’t actually been throwing that word around lightly. It was always “not speaking” or “taking time” — I mean, really, everyone knows what that means and that divorce is virtually inevitable, but I haven’t actually gotten used to the term or idea between you two. ”
– The Fabulous Miss Jenna
Divorce. I think my major mood problems these last two days have been because of that word. Divorce. She’s right, it’s a very final thing, and everything has always been phrased in “not talking” or “no longer together”. But, without that little piece of paper, I am still tied to him. We are still bound by a legal system that sees us as one, and we are not one.
It’s overwhelming to face the end of something, even tho I’ve really been here for a while. There is a big difference between knowing you are at the edge of a cliff and actually choosing to jump over it. But Mars and I are no more. As weird as that still sounds to my ears, it’s true and I know that it’s true. And I need to cut these ties that still bind me there, to him.
The Fabulous Miss Jenna also asked if I was suddenly so interested in pursuing a divorce because of my blooming romance with someone else. This gave me pause, because I couldn’t answer it right away. I don’t see the divorce as a legitimizing factor for the new ‘relationship’ (I’m not *really* in a relationship, you see. Long story. Trust me on this one.); I don’t think either of us believe a piece of paper has any bearing on feelings. I certainly don’t see myself as having an affair, altho I suppose I technically am. (I hadn’t really thought of that. Hmm.) I think the biggest motivator there is not wanting to put him in the position of explaining to friends and family that he’s fallen in love with a married woman; I can certainly hear what my parents would say if I said the reverse. At least if I get the papers in the process, the truth becomes reality – that I am in the long, slow process of divorce.
I suppose that’s what it comes down to, really. It’s time for truth to become reality. The truth of the matter is that I have not been married since August of 2000. Now, in April of 2001, it’s time for reality to realize the truth.