I close my eyes, but the only thing I find are tears. Fading, fading fast are the memories. Once clear jewels I could bring out and admire have blurred and faded to smoke, whispy and insubstantial. I can only barely remember how beautiful he was; my last clear mental image of him, his face, is his shocked look, seeing me at The Matrix.
And I can only barely, fuzzily remember his body, his touch. I don’t even remember what it was like, kissing him; just vague impulses and feelings.
He stretched so far into my past, worked his way into history he didn’t exist in. Time blurred where he was concerned, he was always there. And now he isn’t. And it’s my own choice, of course. He wanted to be friends, I was the one who rejected that, that gesture.
Tonight it hurts. It hurts to have been tossed aside, discarded. It hurts to only have these small pearls of memory, to have them falling thru my hands no matter how hard I try to keep them with me.
And the guilt. The guilt. Did you know I feel guilty? I do, I do. I loved him, didn’t I? Don’t I? Of course I do. But it’s different now. Now, I can no longer imagine talking to him, sharing coffee, thoughts and ideals. I can’t imagine getting excited and talking for hours about theoreticals, not anymore. Needless to say, I cannot even begin to conceive of anything more intimate.
I mention this all to Jenna, you see, and she immediately focuses on why I do feel guilty – because I *can* imagine talking to someone else, sharing coffee and ideals. I *can* imagine getting excited and talking for hours about theoreticals, I *can* begin to conceive of much more intimate contact and communication.
Do you see it, do you see why this makes me feel guilty? Because I can conceive of all of things these with someone else! And to be able to do so, I had to lose something I cherished so much, someone I loved so much. I have the opportunity for something so wonderful, with someone so wonderful – and I wouldn’t have the opportunity if things hadn’t failed with Mars.
It’s a mind-fuck, really. The only way to have an opportunity with this beautiful soul was the loss of another. Losing one to gain another. And while I wonder if I lost Mars because I didn’t love him enough, I am… I cannot regret having lost him.