Category: Through the Looking Glass

… and I’m haunted by the promises I’ve made and others I have broken…

I had an entry, mostly written in my head. There are many things you can compose while you’re sitting, sobbing, in traffic.

Jenna and I spoke this morning, at breakfast. She gave me a lot to think about. She flat out called me stubborn (big surprise), but she finally told me some things, and made me look at situations with a perspective outside of my own. That I was being stubborn, that I was trying and being hurtful, that my pride was tripping me up, that I wasn’t being flexible when I needed to be, and prove it.

That he enjoyed seeing me again.

… I’ll always want you…

I had this entry set in my head. About how she was right, and how I was being stubborn and hurtful because I was hurting and angry and scared and so many other things. I had a lot of time to think – traffic was bad, there were accidents.

… I’ll always need you…

Although I had been crying for most of the drive home, I was feeling oddly optomistic. Jenna was, as usual, right. I was being all these things and ways, and how silly and stupid. Yes, fear is there, but fear is a part of life. So is risk.

I had a question. That’s why I called. I wanted to know where they were posted, you see.

… I’ll always love you and I will always miss you…

Mars filed for divorce on May 11, 2001.

…originally posted on Karawynn’s Pool, posted here for posterity and referrence…

I didn’t know where else to post this, or even if I should. There’s a good chance some of you might know him…
My husband filed for divorce on May 11. He didn’t tell me. I’ve talked to him, eMail and phone, briefly, several times since then. I had been wondering and wondering why he hadn’t filed those papers.

He just didn’t tell me.

I don’t know where to begin. We’re both seeing other people, casually and maybe not so. We’re living apart, we’ve not been talking. This was my choice, I couldn’t handle just being friends… he kept wanting to try.

In fact, he wanted to try when we saw each other April 30 to finish tax stuff. We talked for three hours, and it was great and comfortable and… and it tore me to pieces, and I finally told him I just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t be friends. He filed the papers that same day.

Of course, I’ve had so much time to think since then, and I have. I love him. I still love him, he has my heart. I want nothing more than to get to know him again, and see if we can’t be the great friends we were, then the great lovers and partners.

I miss him. I miss his crazy cooking, his saxaphone, his wild painting sprees. I miss his bad hair days and really bad fashion choices. I miss his grace and beauty and laughter and friendship and companionship. I miss his love, his touch. I miss laying by his side and listening to the rain.

I have been “gearing up” – that is, preparing to meet up with him in June, for coffee and conversation. Just to see how it went, again. If it still hurt, but was good. Thinking about making the effort, because of all of this. Because I can’t have anything else if I can’t have a friendship first.

I don’t know what to say, or who to say it to. I had to get this out, and no one is near their phones right now.

I don’t know what to do.

-Kelly

I have a habit of beating myself. Self-flagellation. You think I would learn to stop this destructive behaviour, after a while.

… I’ve been told that it’s just the way life goes once the wildest river is now a trickle to the sea…

She bought his Burning Man ticket. For him, for her. Together. She saw him, so excited, in the flesh; he was there for his new job. She joined him for ten days, and will see him all the more since he works from home, instead of just evenings. She wears more jewellry and is undergoing a new look, a transformation. Based on him.

Only having this external information to go on, second and third hands, I cannot but help come to the unhappy conclusion that he is involved with her, happy, for the long haul. I can hope that it is simply novelty, but hope and reality never work together, do they?

Does it matter? I can hope, want, but even Jenna told me today, keep it a vague, distant hope. A very, very unlikely hope.

… And the love you hang your life upon will start to slowly crack…

He is gone. I have lost him. My mate, the completing half of me, the puzzle piece that joined mine. He fit, he enhanced. Through ignorance and stubborness I have lost him.

Instead of accepting this, and moving on, I dwell. I hope. I focus. I think about meeting for coffee, talking. I carry hope. I wonder why he hasn’t filed for divorce – certainly, with all his traveling, his finances are not hurting. It’s a measely $120, of which I said I would split the cost.

… One last time while she watches thru the door focusing on the guy that she used to ignore thinking he looks so beautiful…

Until I get those papers, I am going to wonder. I am going to hope that there is a chance, however small, and am going to want to act on it. And after, after. After I get the papers- it’s not something I want to contemplate. Not right now. Not today.

… I have heard about the lives of small swift birds they dazzle with their colour and their deftness thru the air just a simple glimpse will keep you standing there the legendary journies made on fragile hollow wings…

Saw the Cowboy Junkies today, a free concert at Tower Records in downtown Seattle. It was great fun, and a wonderful show. The Swede and The Fabulous Miss Jenna joined me, and aside from nervously hoping there would be no unpleasent encounters with ‘aliens’, all was well. The band played for about 45 minutes, and then signed autographs, took photographs of and with the crowd, for at least an hour or two.

It was a great, great show.

After this, TFMJ treated The Swede and I to dinner at The Melting Pot – mmmm yummy, fondue! It was a nice, long, overly filling dinner. (And costly – TFMJ is truly fabulous.)

…Rid yourself of all regrets because here is where it all begins…

I can’t say that the day was without its stresses; besides worrying about ‘alien’ encounters at Tower, I heard about him having an out of town guest. A romance interest, a rival to myself (or that’s how I see her, as she was actively pursuing him when he and I were still…) In keeping with the spirit of my conversation with Jenna the other day, I didn’t mind hearing she was here, but I was bothered by the implications. I tried not to talk about it with Jenna too much, but I probably failed a little in that regard.

…hold your breathe it’s about to fall…

I did start down the path of being bothered by her mere presence here (to be fair, I’m not sure I feel safe with her around); jealousy, I think – an odd emotion to experiance! I managed to slap myself back into line relatively quickly (the span of a few minutes) – after all, aren’t I the one with a guest Swede? (Still, she’s in his bed with him. It stabs, it hurts, and I don’t claim to be logical about it.)

…Just outside there waiting just outside the circle waiting there is someone I don’t know who…

Everything lately has been rather odd. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in a “I’ve never been on this road before” sort of way. I find myself walking multiple paths at once, and they are not at all similar. From wanting a future with The Swede to wanting my husband back, to wanting no romantic involvements at all, I find myself oscillating all over the landscape of choice. It’s cliche to say that all that is consistant in my life is inconsistancy, but it’s true – at least when it comes to love and romance.

The rest of it [life] is coming along quite well, even in my hard to please opinion. I do things on a regular basis with a small group of people, and am expanding that group. I’m taking the effort to meet more people; hell, I’ve got a dialogue going with my favourite author! I’m looking into tai chi, ai chi, water colour painting and photography. (Of everything, photography is the strongest pull – the camera does something to/for me, and I love its magical pull.) I’ve been writing again, and some of it is even halfway decent.

Next step: open mic night, somewhere.

Always On My Mind
©1965
Elvis Presley

Maybe I didn’t treat you quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn’t love you quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done, I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Maybe I didn’t hold you all those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you I’m so happy that you’re mine
If I made you feel second best I’m sorry I was blind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Tell me tell me that your sweet love hasn’t died
Give me give me one more chance to keep you satisfied
I’ll keep you satisfied
You were always on my mind