Life as an Extreme Sport

falling to pieces

…originally posted on Karawynn’s Pool, posted here for posterity and referrence…

I didn’t know where else to post this, or even if I should. There’s a good chance some of you might know him…
My husband filed for divorce on May 11. He didn’t tell me. I’ve talked to him, eMail and phone, briefly, several times since then. I had been wondering and wondering why he hadn’t filed those papers.

He just didn’t tell me.

I don’t know where to begin. We’re both seeing other people, casually and maybe not so. We’re living apart, we’ve not been talking. This was my choice, I couldn’t handle just being friends… he kept wanting to try.

In fact, he wanted to try when we saw each other April 30 to finish tax stuff. We talked for three hours, and it was great and comfortable and… and it tore me to pieces, and I finally told him I just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t be friends. He filed the papers that same day.

Of course, I’ve had so much time to think since then, and I have. I love him. I still love him, he has my heart. I want nothing more than to get to know him again, and see if we can’t be the great friends we were, then the great lovers and partners.

I miss him. I miss his crazy cooking, his saxaphone, his wild painting sprees. I miss his bad hair days and really bad fashion choices. I miss his grace and beauty and laughter and friendship and companionship. I miss his love, his touch. I miss laying by his side and listening to the rain.

I have been “gearing up” – that is, preparing to meet up with him in June, for coffee and conversation. Just to see how it went, again. If it still hurt, but was good. Thinking about making the effort, because of all of this. Because I can’t have anything else if I can’t have a friendship first.

I don’t know what to say, or who to say it to. I had to get this out, and no one is near their phones right now.

I don’t know what to do.