Category: Academics
Classes and coursework.
Vibrating
I’m vibrating on high at the moment, waiting to see if an acceptance letter comes after this most interesting letter of new student welcome/here’s your email/etc from a particular university I would really love to attend.
So, instead, I give you a definition of heaven at least some of you will agree with.
10-5, Reflection
1) 10 years ago what did you think you would be doing now?
Wow, what a surprisingly difficult question to answer. Ten years ago I was 19, almost 20. I would have been working at Apple Computer, living in Fremont, California. I was in a very bad relationship, and had been for several years, and didn’t see a way out of it. I basically thought I was stuck in the situation I was in and always would be, and was trying to make the best of it. I was still a year away from having enough courage and support to actually just pick up and drive away with the clothes on my back.
I guess I didn’t have dreams of the future, really. I had a future I was told, and in it, at this point, I would have been a mother several times over, and very likely a stay at home mom. Weird to think about, really. And I bet many of you boggle at the idea of me being a mother. *laughs*
2) Where do you think you will be in 5 years from now?
I will be in a PhD graduate program. I don’t know where, or precisely what I’ll be studying, but I will be in graduate school. It might take me longer than I wanted to get there, but I will get there.
3) Do you live life one day at a time or look to the future.
A little of both, I guess. As a Buddhist, I value living in the now, but as a realist, I know you have to look forward and plan life. The trick is to make sure that the looking forward is acknowledged as such, and that I don’t live my life in the future, I merely plan for it while living in the now.
Does that make sense?
4) Do you wish you could go back in time and undo something in your life?
No. I’ve worked very hard to live a life where I have no regrets. Maybe more precisely, I’ve worked very hard to reach a mindset that values the experiences I’ve had that have shaped who I am. The big step there was deciding to like myself, and to realize that if I liked who I am, that means I have to value what has happened to me, because it’s those experiences who make me who I am now.
5) If you could send a message back in time and give a younger version of yourself some advice, what would it be?
I wouldn’t. See the answer to question four.
Notes
* calling your father in tears basically insures three things: 1) your mother will contact you later at night 2) said conversation will include some encouraging story about how someone had to apply to same insane number of schools, but then got in and is now incredibly successful, and 3) your parents will insist you look for masters programs still open for applications, so that they can pay your fees and give you the best possible chance to go somewhere
* I’ve picked up Dorothea Brande’s book on writing. While she’s talking about fiction, it’s applicable to research papers because she’s talking about the psychological things that stop us from writing and how to get around those, not telling you how to structure papers. It’s from the 1930s, and utterly charming in its tone – she’s sarcastic and sharp, and not at all dated. It’s something that makes me smile, and I’m taking any of that I can get right now.
* President Jimmy Carter is an amazing speaker, and his talk about William Foege was so inspirational. Foege has done so many awesome things – came up with the strategy for eradicating smallpox, ran the CDC, has led committees on the next disease(s) to eradicate (Guinea worm and polio), has reduced newborn fatalities across the 3rd world… he is an awesome man, and has been dedicated to the social aspect of medicine long before it was even thought to be something needed teaching in hospitals. Carter continually referred to him as a medical missionary, a wonderful term.
How amazing it must be to have your life work celebrated by your friends, your school. I admit, I felt envy… but the good kind. The inspirational kind. The sort that makes me wonder if I should delay graduation and chase that public health/epidemiology bachelors, or maybe look into a medical anthropology degree, so I can play a bit more in medicine. I guess it’s the sort that gives me a bit of hope – I mean, if one person can achieve so much, so many incredible things, surely I can achieve even a fraction of that and still be content?
* Following parental advice, I spent a little time this evening looking into other masters programs…and discovered that Jon Moreno, one of the sweetest, funniest and sharpest men in bioethics, has an MA program in bioethics at the University of Virginia…and their deadline is May 1st. This has cheered me up immensely. It’s sort of silly, because who’s to say I won’t get equally passed over for MA programs, but… I met Jon last year. I really enjoyed my time with him; in fact, we got into a very fun debate over how often the Hippocratic Oath is taught, even read, to students. He is utterly charming, and one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. I learned more from him in 50 minutes than I have from many people over the course of an entire quarter.
* I’m nervous about my impending surgery on Tuesday. Large needles and necks – squicks me out. I think when that bit of dread is gone, and hopefully the pain with it, I’ll feel better about life. Thursday night should be fun, though – sounds like people are going to come out. I hope so; as silly and superstitious as it is, I like to see my friends before I go in for risky procedures. So we’re going out Thursday night, and some people are going to join me to watch The Breakfast Club at the Friday Midnight Movie.
* People keep bringing up current/topical issues in ethics, and the back of my mind keeps thinking about how many of the problems arise (again) from our grand focus on autonomy as a whole. And I keep thinking, “I could fix this, if people would just give me the chance…”
Maybe I’m slowly crawling to a better state of mind.
Pervasive Gloom
I am basically overcome and overwhelmed by a pervading depression. No one wants me. No one likes me. I’m basically a huge fucking failure. Sure, the retort is that I just applied to the wrong schools or that the schools are idiots, but if I applied to the wrong places, then the failure is still with me. It’s still my fault.
I can’t even succeed at anything – at the moment, not even finishing my degree. Who the hell cares about finishing a thesis that maybe three people will read? It’s just going to sit on a shelf getting dusty. Might as well just do a performance piece – “Goth Moping” – and get it done. At least more people would probably see it.
I made the mistake at looking at job listings last night, and have realized that I really can’t do a damn thing with my degree. I’d be lucky to even get an administrative position somewhere, barely making enough to cover rent. I can’t live on my parents pursestrings forever – what the hell am I going to do?
This blackness has sapped me of all energy, strength, or interest. I have a final tomorrow, in a class with a professor who sat on the committee that most recently turned me down. Do I really care about doing well on the final? No, not really – what does it matter? She obviously didn’t think well enough of me to fight for me, and she even told me as much yesterday, that I am a good student, but that my application will not beat someone who’s spent the last few years of their life studying, exclusively, philosophy.
Anyhow. I have to go listen to Jimmy Carter talk. I’ll write more later.