I am basically overcome and overwhelmed by a pervading depression. No one wants me. No one likes me. I’m basically a huge fucking failure. Sure, the retort is that I just applied to the wrong schools or that the schools are idiots, but if I applied to the wrong places, then the failure is still with me. It’s still my fault.
I can’t even succeed at anything – at the moment, not even finishing my degree. Who the hell cares about finishing a thesis that maybe three people will read? It’s just going to sit on a shelf getting dusty. Might as well just do a performance piece – “Goth Moping” – and get it done. At least more people would probably see it.
I made the mistake at looking at job listings last night, and have realized that I really can’t do a damn thing with my degree. I’d be lucky to even get an administrative position somewhere, barely making enough to cover rent. I can’t live on my parents pursestrings forever – what the hell am I going to do?
This blackness has sapped me of all energy, strength, or interest. I have a final tomorrow, in a class with a professor who sat on the committee that most recently turned me down. Do I really care about doing well on the final? No, not really – what does it matter? She obviously didn’t think well enough of me to fight for me, and she even told me as much yesterday, that I am a good student, but that my application will not beat someone who’s spent the last few years of their life studying, exclusively, philosophy.
Anyhow. I have to go listen to Jimmy Carter talk. I’ll write more later.