Author: Kelly

“I’m still feeling weird about the finality of a divorce. We haven’t actually been throwing that word around lightly. It was always “not speaking” or “taking time” — I mean, really, everyone knows what that means and that divorce is virtually inevitable, but I haven’t actually gotten used to the term or idea between you two. ”
– The Fabulous Miss Jenna

Divorce. I think my major mood problems these last two days have been because of that word. Divorce. She’s right, it’s a very final thing, and everything has always been phrased in “not talking” or “no longer together”. But, without that little piece of paper, I am still tied to him. We are still bound by a legal system that sees us as one, and we are not one.

It’s overwhelming to face the end of something, even tho I’ve really been here for a while. There is a big difference between knowing you are at the edge of a cliff and actually choosing to jump over it. But Mars and I are no more. As weird as that still sounds to my ears, it’s true and I know that it’s true. And I need to cut these ties that still bind me there, to him.

The Fabulous Miss Jenna also asked if I was suddenly so interested in pursuing a divorce because of my blooming romance with someone else. This gave me pause, because I couldn’t answer it right away. I don’t see the divorce as a legitimizing factor for the new ‘relationship’ (I’m not *really* in a relationship, you see. Long story. Trust me on this one.); I don’t think either of us believe a piece of paper has any bearing on feelings. I certainly don’t see myself as having an affair, altho I suppose I technically am. (I hadn’t really thought of that. Hmm.) I think the biggest motivator there is not wanting to put him in the position of explaining to friends and family that he’s fallen in love with a married woman; I can certainly hear what my parents would say if I said the reverse. At least if I get the papers in the process, the truth becomes reality – that I am in the long, slow process of divorce.

I suppose that’s what it comes down to, really. It’s time for truth to become reality. The truth of the matter is that I have not been married since August of 2000. Now, in April of 2001, it’s time for reality to realize the truth.

I close my eyes, but the only thing I find are tears. Fading, fading fast are the memories. Once clear jewels I could bring out and admire have blurred and faded to smoke, whispy and insubstantial. I can only barely remember how beautiful he was; my last clear mental image of him, his face, is his shocked look, seeing me at The Matrix.

And I can only barely, fuzzily remember his body, his touch. I don’t even remember what it was like, kissing him; just vague impulses and feelings.

He stretched so far into my past, worked his way into history he didn’t exist in. Time blurred where he was concerned, he was always there. And now he isn’t. And it’s my own choice, of course. He wanted to be friends, I was the one who rejected that, that gesture.

Tonight it hurts. It hurts to have been tossed aside, discarded. It hurts to only have these small pearls of memory, to have them falling thru my hands no matter how hard I try to keep them with me.

And the guilt. The guilt. Did you know I feel guilty? I do, I do. I loved him, didn’t I? Don’t I? Of course I do. But it’s different now. Now, I can no longer imagine talking to him, sharing coffee, thoughts and ideals. I can’t imagine getting excited and talking for hours about theoreticals, not anymore. Needless to say, I cannot even begin to conceive of anything more intimate.

I mention this all to Jenna, you see, and she immediately focuses on why I do feel guilty – because I *can* imagine talking to someone else, sharing coffee and ideals. I *can* imagine getting excited and talking for hours about theoreticals, I *can* begin to conceive of much more intimate contact and communication.

Do you see it, do you see why this makes me feel guilty? Because I can conceive of all of things these with someone else! And to be able to do so, I had to lose something I cherished so much, someone I loved so much. I have the opportunity for something so wonderful, with someone so wonderful – and I wouldn’t have the opportunity if things hadn’t failed with Mars.

It’s a mind-fuck, really. The only way to have an opportunity with this beautiful soul was the loss of another. Losing one to gain another. And while I wonder if I lost Mars because I didn’t love him enough, I am… I cannot regret having lost him.

I got up early in an attempt to catch up on work before coming to work, since I didn’t do it over the weekend. (I suck and I was tired. Because, you know, I wouldn’t be tired in the morning with 4hrs sleep, oh no.) I got everything I could really get done without being *really* late for work, and then discovered that the database I need to finish the project is down. Sigh. So, I’m relying on memory, and will fix anything I remember incorrectly when the database comes back up – yes, I know, there will be a lot to fix.

I also had no hot water this morning, which is enough to put me in a *real* special mood… yes, yes, it’s definately Monday.

I have always been a very strong willed, independant woman. ‘Stubborn’ also comes to mind.

Those of you that know me are probably slightly puzzled by this statement, but just can’t figure out why. I’ll tell you why – it’s because I have identified myself as a woman.

When referencing myself, I rarely use a gender specific term. I am always a person before my gender. However, in this particular case, with this particular line of thought, woman is the appropriate label.

You see, I was thinking about marriage. About the custom of two people joining names as well as lives. This has always been a very repulsive notion to me; especially when I was married. I didn’t want to lose my identity, to become a Mrs, to only be seen as the extension of a man. I wanted to retain who I was beforehand, as if the gesture of changing a name would change who I was. I thought the people who combined, or came up with their own last names, were being a bit better, but I still found the concept strange and disturbing. It suggested that both people had lost who they are and become something else.

It seemed natural to me, then, that I would be so repulsed by the thought of changing my name after marriage. (I suppose some of this aversion came from being submissive in a relationship for so long.) And I didn’t. I refused to, and Mars never pressed me on it – he felt the same way. That marriage was simply two people who decided to spend time together; they were Jupiter and Neptune, circling the same sun but having very little of themselves and their lives intertwined. Not taking his name was a definition, it was a statement. It said I was still me, and I would be changed by no one.

Looking back, I wonder why I didn’t see it then. Why it didn’t occur to me that having such a strong reaction against taking my husbands name and all I believed it stood for was A Bad Sign.

How do I know it was A Bad Sign, and not just me? Because I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About relationships, and what they are, and who defines them and what those definitions are. What my own definitions are. And I realized that I don’t believe marriage is about two separate planets orbiting the same sun, separate with few things in common. I realized that I believe marriage is about two people making a statement to join their lives, to work as a unit, as a couple, as an “us” towards common goals. I realized that there wasn’t beauty in two people who set up cold walls to keep the other out; that the beauty exists between two people who willingly join hands and hearts in a common life. I realized that it is not about losing, it is about gaining.

I realized I would take his name.

I apologize for the length of time it’s taken me to get anything new posted; I’d like to say I’ve been frantically busy with work, pacing and worrying and just terribly consumed. The truth is always much more boring. To be honest, I’ve had a lot of time to write, and I have been – as you shall see shortly. But I’ve had a problem with SimpleText and BBEdit, the prgrams I use to write with on my Mac. They seem to be appending excess characters in my HTML, which has been annoying me to no send. So, I wait until I’m at work to do anything, and then I’m too preoccupied.

We’ve actually all been chased away from work today; “it’s Friday” is the excuse. So, I’m sitting in the corner of our meeting room, on the floor, leaning against the walls. It’s very comfortable; I have Poe playing and a large glass of juice. What I wasn’t expecting was to be the amusement of the afternoon – a vice president walked by, stopped, looked at me, ducked back around the corner and yelled “Hey, Lindsey!” (Lindsey is the CEO.) She came over, and he pointed at me, saying “I just wanted to show you how very crowded we are in this building! People are working everywhere!” She burst out laughing and said she wished she had a digital camera; apparently it is a cute picture. For all I know, she’s going to find one. The VP then asked me if he could get me anything, a glass of wine, perhaps? Overall, quite funny. People have been wandering thru since then, and all have the same reaction. Oh well. I can deal with being amusing, it helps my reputation. Testers are _supposed_ to be quirky and weird, eh?

I like this company. I don’t know if I’ve had a chance to share that with many of you. It’s young, fresh and energetic. We all have a purpose and a goal. There is a sense of community, of meaning. Beyond that, everyone is just *fun*. I’ve been invited out several times (and had to turn most down). Tonight I was invited to Girls Night, but already had plans. Next time, tho, next time. Ashley was the one who did the inviting; she’s wonderful. I took some screen shots of the product for her earlier this week, and all she could do was tell me how wonderful it was that I was helping her. She even CC’d our respective bosses the thank you note she eMailed me, and pulled Joy (my boss) aside to tell me how great I was. A big change from Microsoft! I like!

Sometime soon, I’m going to head home and bathe the ferrets. This should be a painful adventure. While they frolick in the bath, I’ll thoroughly clean their cage – I’m suspecting they are the cause of some of my respiratory distress. Beyond that, things have been great. Just… incredible. Things are clicking together in my life once again, everything is moving smoothly. This scares me; whenever things go well, you know something bad is going to happen. You just know. Right? Right? And I can think of some bad things I don’t want happening; I have been, and shall continue to, refuse to think about or focus on these issues. Enjoy it while I can, eh?

Alright. That’s it. They’re shooting nerf weapons at me. Must… get… revenge!