I admit, it’s been a long week, and it’s only Thursday. Work has been relatively quiet, so I’ve had time to continue nursing some of the doubts (mostly of self) that came up in weekend conversations.
I haven’t really had a chance to talk much with Jenna about the breakup with Mars. It’s something we always danced around a bit, but rarely directly mentioned. When we did, it was always in terms of how it affected me, never why it happened.
We started to cover why it happened over the weekend. It was a lovely drive, out towards Portage Bay. Appropriate, in a way – the only other time I’ve been to that bay and glacier, I was with her and Mars. Like I said, it was a really lovely day. The sky was a shifting pattern of clouds, occasionally rain would splash across the windshield. All the colours – the greens, browns, blues, and whites – they all looked punched out, like someone had used a colour enhancing filter on a grand photo of the north.
Somehow we got on the subject, and we drifted towards the whys. About how he changed, so quickly and dramatically. Of how I called her in the late summer/early fall, telling her I didn’t know who he was anymore. About all the balled up anger he carried inside of him – towards his family, himself, his work, and ultimately, me. How the end, the breakup, really wasn’t a surprise – how I had mentioned to Sachin a week beforehand that we were separating, and how everyone really just knew. That it wasn’t the breakup but the manner in which he did it that was so shocking.
We talked more about his interal anger, the conflicts that exist; – so passionately against big business and globalism, yet at the same time working for a company who practices both things, torn away from and towards his family, sexuality, and again, ultimately, me. Of loving what had been, not what was at the time.
And, I suppose, of my feeling the same way. Of being baffled by such a major, unexpected change – one that deviated so greatly from the path he and I had been on. Of being in love with the person I had married, not the person who existed at the time. Of wondering where he went, and why he didn’t take me with him. Wondering why he never planned a future with me in it, it was always about him and only him.
It was hard, listening to all of this. Hearing Jennas opinions, and my own given voice for the first time. Hearing where she thought the breakdowns were, and why. They’ve been haunting me a bit. She’s interested in seeing if my Swede and I end up fighting, the way Mars and I fought. I think that will be the biggest sign for her … not sure what it will be, for me.
We also spent a bit of time talking about the Swede. It’s different, she assured me over and over. I was acting different; happier, more relaxed and easy going, more self confidant and generally confidant. No scrambled panic to make sure things worked, just an unnerving assurance that things will.
We’ll see. I want her to be right. I’m talking to him at the moment, and if you were to ask me, I know it will be right. It’s just those times when I’m alone with my thoughts, when it’s quiet and still,…