My dear, dear friend Krass offhandedly made a comment challenging people to writing 1500 words on why he is a beautiful and unique snowflake, assuming none of his friends would have the energy to be that pedantically accurate. He forgot about me… I believe he also forgot about showing me the detail of that one tattoo, heh. It’s still funny, several years later – although maybe only if you know him and the numerous in-jokes that are a part of this. If you’re reading this, Krass – love ya, babe.
In exactly 1500 words
but not a haiku
You are a beautiful and unique snowflake of a person for many reasons, and the world simply would not be the same without you in it. After all, who else would bring us the combined jackassery of internet radio, humour through repetition, and insensitive, blunt, totally truthful and yet still remarkably offensive commentary on life, the universe, and everything else? (Including, of course, the fish and the number forty-two.)
Of course, to be a true and shallow goth, one must start with appearance. While much to the sadness and dismay of those true creatures of the night, you do not dress in the stereotypically goth way; you do still have a distinctive and unique appearance all your own. While yes, the Nazi Germans did beat you to the jackbooted thug style, complete with bdu’s tucked into high laced boots and simple top, you skip the over excessive adornment of buttons, brass, and medals that so plagued Nazi uniforms. Not to mention the whole tacky white and red armband, and everyone knows human leather went out of fashion years ago — so you are definitely on the plus side of the fashion curve. And while Wumpscut tattoos are certainly common, the panache and flair with which you wear yours, not to mention the others — especially the ethnic sun around the belly button — they make your body your own, complete and unique and not like anyone else’s! And when talking about modifications to the body, one can not forget to mention the very bleached hair — so unique! So rare in a community that dares to go black and only black! — and the creepy blue contacts. (Of course, it is true that some people complain about those contacts and feel that your natural eye colour is much prettier, but really, what do they know? They, after all, are just pathetic losers.) Everything about your physical appearance, although not goth and copied and done and done again by people all over the world, is completely and utterly unique!
When talking about unique things, you can not forget the fun you have with being a DJ and internet radio star! While everyone and their sister’s dog can and does DJ a night at the Mercury, you went one better and took it to the internet, so people everywhere can listen to Kold War Radio whenever they want! (And what a name! How unique and beautiful does it get? The depth and the conviction of belief that goes into naming a station after the greatest war our nation never actually fought, but with that sassy and edgy “K” to keep it all mixed up!) And of course, everyone knows your scene cred, because you DJ’d at the old Machineworks before they moved up to the Hill; you are such a valuable and longtime member of the scene that everyone would be crushed if you were to leave it! After all, look at how badly attendance has dropped at the Mercury since you stopped Kold War. The club just is not the same without you drinking Heineken and dropping trou with Darren in the DJ booth.
But even though you can not DJ for your adoring masses, who have gone into such deep, painful and goth mourning for the loss of your night, you have the internet radio station! And having your own Live365 is a very unique and personable thing to do. It lets you share your favourite music with anyone who wants to listen, and of course everyone wants to listen because you bring such wonderful and valuable contributions and combinations to the goth and industrial music scene! The scene loves you and needs you. After all, who else is going to dish out such incredible abuse in such an affectionate manner?
All of this certainly addresses the uniqueness that you bring to the goth and industrial community, but does not being to touch the snowflake aspect, and everyone of course wants to touch the snowflake aspect. You are such a cold, frosty bitch — one of those damned elitist cool kids that got fucked into the community by some goth matriarch or another, now you act as the community pit-bull, keeping out all those undesirables. And of course, the undesirables are anyone that are really different from the rest of us — because goths are unique and want everyone else to be just like them. So if people who can not spell, or use punctuation, or think that words like l33t are actually real words come around, we can all rest assured knowing that your frosty cold exterior will chase away anyone who could actually become a contributing member of the community if they were just given half the chance. People should not need a chance to become One of Us; we can just tell, and if people do not rate on first appearance they were just fake poseurs to begin with and it is better that you ran them off for us! Who else would care so much about their community to do such caring, hard work, and be so dedicated to the very process?
Of course, I keep mentioning community and have only obliquely referred to that community that keeps us all together — the Seattle Goth board, full of beautiful and unique snowflakes just like you! And the way you run around the board, injecting humour through repetition and obnoxious behaviour? It’s just fabulous and so unique, and no one else even begins to do the same. No one at all minds when you hijack a thread for your own amusement; everyone knows that you just need to vent, and express yourself, and it would stifling your creative output to ask you to be respectful for other people trying to talk! Everyone should be able to express themselves in ways most natural to them, and it is wonderful that you have found such comfort and confidence to do so! That the Seattle Goth board can be part of that release for you is a truly wonderful thing, and the board of course is made all the better for having you both as member and moderator.
Of course your beauty and uniqueness stretches much further than clothes, or the silly music scene, or even the Seattle Goth board scene — as hard as that could be to believe! But you are also so unique in the sports you watch; after all, who else likes the Packers AND the Red Wings? And everyone knows that no one really likes basketball — a bunch of overplayed, spoiled brats running laps on a court so small most backyards have more real estate. So few people actually get together on Sunday afternoon’s to watch sports and drink beer — and how could I forget the drinking?! Your ability to put away an incredible amount of alcohol and stay vertical certainly makes you unique in the scheme of this scene of liver-abusers.
That whole buying a house in your home city, having a dog and two cats and probably even a white picket fence is also SO unique — especially for this scene! Being financially solvent and able to pay a mortgage, whoa. It is serious adult stuff there, and something that definitely puts you in a rare class! I bet you even have unique, snowflake curtains.
So if you have read this far and not given up in disgust at the pathetic writing, or otherwise rolled your eyes at me (hey, I’m putting off homework, grading papers, and studying for finals, give me a break, it sounded fun), then you know that I do not actually think that you are any more beautiful or unique a snowflake than any other person I call a good friend. Which is of course to say that I do indeed think you are a beautiful person, body and soul, and that the world would indeed be a very sorry space without you. You have taken a lot of time to go out of your way to include me in your life again, which puzzles me because I certainly didn’t do anything to rate such attention or kindness, but it is an effort I greatly appreciate and feel I can not ever accurately repay. Over the years — good god, I have known you for years now — you have always been there if I have needed anything, and you do that for anyone that you call friend. It is one of the many things that, while perhaps not making you unique, certainly make you a valuable person to call friend. Yeah, you are an obnoxious twit, you push boundaries and step over lines, and know exactly how to push just the right combination of buttons to really piss me off… or laugh me out of a bad mood. You can be insensitive and a bit clueless, but you also have one of the biggest, most generous hearts I have ever had the privilege of seeing in action.