Life as an Extreme Sport

to move towards gracious

I’m feeling very isolated, sheltered, and alone again. I know enough now to realize that this is a sort of typical end of a project/quarter feeling for me, and I’m trying not to let it get to me. But I can’t get over the feeling that it all just goes on out there, extended and distant from me. I seem to be only capable of establishing the most tenuous of connection to people, and unable to nurture them to anything more than that.

Someone called me reserved the other day. It was surprising, but I think accurate. I’m such an odd mix, even to myself and I know me (given that I live with me, and all). On the one hand I am passionate and outgoing, cheerful and I wear my heart on my sleeve. On the other I keep everyone at arms distance, form few (if any) strong friendships, and keep myself isolated and alone.

I have these grand dreams of what I’d like life to be like. I see, in my minds eye, how clean and simple and pretty my home could be. I can see myself graciously entertaining guests with a light dinner, tea and conversation. I have this vision of a peaceful and serene existance, one that is mixed well with school, work, and social. And then I have life, which is so far from that vision that I cannot even see the road to move towards.

I’m sick. I’m tired. I have no energy, no motivation, and no food. (This last has suddenly become a growlingly present concern.) I don’t like being like this, but am stuck in a loop and I don’t see how to break it. I want to be different… but would it even matter? Would anyone even notice?