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Melancholy As Fuck – Life as an Extreme Sport
Life as an Extreme Sport

Melancholy As Fuck

Some of you may have seen this already, and I apologize – however, it came out well, and said what I needed to say, so it was easier to revise slightly and post, than try to rephrase and resay it all…

It’s been 6 months since he left. It’s been 6 weeks since we stopped talking. I guess in my head, things are rearranged a bit now; it doesn’t really matter that I saw him in between the 6 months and 6 weeks, because in that time, he didn’t see things the way I did. Now, when I look back, I really see that, and I realize that what hurts hurt before 6 weeks ago.

It’s hard. I can’t complain about friends; I have wonderful friends, online and offline, and I have what I think is probably the best of both worlds – friends that are both on and offline friends. My ‘real life’ friends are great, they don’t fill a gap that I *sort of * have with my online friends; I could really use expanding that to real life. (‘That’ being the ability to sit around for hours and have Deep Meaningful Conversations…) For over 3 yrs I had a lot more than that, all bundled up in one person.

Do you know, in that time, we didn’t spend more than a month, total, apart? We would have days on end where we had little to do with each other, but were still always there, especially at night. And it’s been 6 months, and then some, of not having that connection with someone. And more than that – not having that mental connection with someone.

I always laughed at Star Trek,… The Vulcans had this thing, when they were mated, a tangible link between minds. When I was younger (less experianced), I thought it was such cheesy anti-sexual revolution nonsense. Now, now I know it was just written by someone who wanted an entire society where people had that strong of a love. If you were pair bonded like that, and your mate died, you often died. And I understand that, too, now. It is a rather large gaping hole – where you could reach out and actually *feel* the other person, even if they were miles away. I know it’s the kind of pain that isn’t going to go away, and isn’t going to be gotten over…

But I *am* impatient… and I’d like to move on with my life; it feels like “sheesh, 6 months, and the only people who’ve begun to interest me are either too far away, which I’m so not into, or not available.” I also know I have terribly high ideals, and I’ve been spoiled by what I did have; I really do pity any other guy who’s going to have to take that on…

I come back, always, to a new (for me) truth – humans were never meant to be alone.