Life as an Extreme Sport

Falling Further In

I’ve managed to go and get myself sick again. Hopefully this is my one pass with bronchitis for the year – I got a sound lecture on managing my asthma, too, and pushed about finding a pulminologist. Not that I was necessarily putting it off, but I hate not having anyone who can recommend me anywhere. While I could potentially use AMBI as a resource, that feels sort of strange to me – I don’t fit there yet, and I’m really hesitant about being a pest. So I’m stuck with a long list, and not knowing anyone who can say “oh christ that person’s an ass” or “this doc has the best bedside manner, and is really great at dealing with curious people.”

Being basically confined to sitting on the couch limits what I’m able to do, and I’m at that annoying point of sick-but-better where I’m antsy and want to do things, but actually doing anything winds me and knocks me flat on my ass. And since I’ve actually (for once) learned my lesson, I’ve been resisting the urge to get up and do (discounting the hauling of the washer up two staircases yesterday, which was not necessarily intentional and something I knew was dumb before I did it).

Of course, this gives me a lot of time to sit and be stuck inside my head, introspective in a way that is probably unhealthy. At one point this evening, Discovery Channel and Dirty Jobs in the background, cat gloomed on to either hip, soda next to me, familiar things and noises around me, I lost myself. I think it might have to do with having talked with several good friends today, and sitting and trading URLs with Michael – things I haven’t done in a while. Everything just sort of blended, and felt right, and I felt like I was at home.

Unfortunately, feeling like home seems to be a code, these days, for “losing my sense of place for a moment and feeling like I’m back in Seattle.” I got up a couple of minutes later, stepped into my bathroom, and the mood snapped and I found myself left with a hollow, empty feeling. I guess you call that homesickness.

I nade this choice and I accept it, but I wish I could fall fully into it, rather than be stuck here on the edge.

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