I’m off to DC in less than 36 hours, and of course have at least 72 hours of things to do in the intervening time. I almost feel like holding a contest to see what I’ll actually get done,…
I’m still feeling weirdly ambivalent about going. It’s a different role for me this year, and at a time when I’m just not feeling as on my game as I should be. I’m afraid I’m going to be a horrible disappointment for my boss, and let him down. Given all the faith and trust he’s placed in me, that would be rather devastating at this point. (Well, really at any point, but especially this point.)
I have plans one evening – four of us are going out to dinner, and then at least two of us dancing. I’m looking forward to that. I haven’t been out to eat at a nice restaurant in quite a while, so it should just be fun. That’s pre-conference, though. In the last week I’ve found out that two of the people I was most looking forward to seeing won’t be there, both for entirely valid reasons I support. But it’s still disappointing that neither will be there, and the UW contingent is going with a pallor over their heads.
I’m still finding my place, and it will be a few years before I have established rituals and people, and I’m okay with that. But I’m not okay with it at the same time; I know schedules and events (and from many people – I think no one realizes just how many people talk to me) and I’m just not the sort of person to insert myself into things. It took a law professor forcing me down an escalator to have one of the best night’s of last years convention, and I suspect it’s going to go about the same this time around.
I also realize I’m being mildly pessimistic, because life sort of is right now, and because I get nervous when I feel a lot of responsibility and room for major failure. I know I’ll calm down and center and be okay once everything gets rolling – it’s just the til then that I have to deal with being a slightly neurotic and sad basketcase.