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life and living – Page 8 – Life as an Extreme Sport
Life as an Extreme Sport

it’s always darkest before dawn

It’s sometimes hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that someone might see me as worth it. That I alone and in myself might be worth an effort, a risk. That I am more than a body holding a space for someone else, someone better. That the swirls of emotions and desires are things that I cause, rather than things I am a convenient outlet for. This…lack of belief in myself can cause problems, can pair with my doom and gloom to assume the worst while still holding out faint hope, just with the assurance it will be crushed.

I don’t know what to do in the face of it not being crushed, other than spread my arms wide and spin, ever so slowly; to sink to my knees in wonder; to awe that how I feel is a feeling returned.

hear that breaking sound

Resigned to things having seemed so momentarily right, likely working out so wrong. Two months of being under constant stress, how can I justify that? How can I alleviate that?

It’s funny, in the sad irony way, to find out part of your own baggage is the fear that what you say and do will chase others away, so you don’t say or do, until you do…and chase others away.

the things that suck Olympics

….after a very long day, where you end up breaking and showing just how fragile you are, too, to be laying in bed, encouraged to talk about a serious and painful bit of your personal history… and have the person you’re talking to fall asleep on you.

Yes, he had the decency to both tell me and to apologize, and I know he’s exhausted – and for good reason (mind out of gutter, people, it’s been an emotionally draining week). And I’m still crushed and find myself bricking up a wall faster than you can say “vulnerable”.

interacting

Interact, though a perfectly good common-useage word, is also physics jargon for two particles with certain characters and trajectories that converge until they feel each other’s fields of force, then either collide or veer off; in either case, their characters and trajectories have been changed.
-Ann Finkbeiner, The Jasons: The Secret History of Science’s Postwar Elite

Perfectly good common-useage word, perfectly good physics jargon; both accurately describe how we affect one another. Reminds me of another quote I quite love that conveys the same sentiment, this one by Carl Jung:

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

It’s been a…difficult week, transitioning from Santa Cruz to home, from a chaotic and loud, full life to silence and single-ness. I’ve filled my time and space as best as possible, and in some ways I am more pleased with the results than I could have hoped to expect. But in other ways I’ve kicked into a bit of a moody spiral; I have been transformed, and the question is whether or not that remains a positive thing. In any case, my character has changed.