I should clarify, I suppose, that this is not a new thing for me, this believing the worst and ignoring the best. It’s been ground into me over many years, and I’m not sure it will ever go away, no matter how many nice things people say about me. It simply seems to be how I am, despite my efforts to the contrary, and as a friend said earlier this night, it doesn’t matter how hard others try, we’re never going to believe we’re worth it.
So although I am letting one person get to me, it’s not like this is the only person to get to me like this. I can guarantee, it does not matter how many people say something good, the minute someone I at all have any attachment to says something bad, whomp – the rest might as well have never been said.
That said, I also realize that this is in part because I wear my heart on my sleeve, which means that it is going to get hurt on occasion. And yes, I’m hurt – I didn’t do anything to deserve the treatment I got, and I got the treatment from someone I was willing to trust, willing to be friendly to, willing to like and extend a hand of friendship. It hurts to get poked, “bitten”, proven wrong in your judgment. I can either deal with that (as badly as that might be going), or I can close up and keep people away.
I’m very good at keeping people away, but I’m trying very hard to get over that. I’m trying to wear my heart on my sleeve, because I genuinely think I’m a better person for it. It’s just that I have to learn how to deal with the hurt that’s going to inevitably occur from taking that stance. In this case, the hurt is just compounded by the cruelness that worked to undermine my already damaged self-regard. But I’ve moved beyond listless staring at walls and listening to morose country-blues. Now I’m listening to spunkier gothabilly/blues, and getting angry. Kubler-Ross would be so proud.
And maybe the end lesson in this is that the positive things do end up mattering more – or at least in this instance, the no-nonsense frankness of a certain Miss M~.