Well, six hours. I was hoping for at least twenty four. I’d make a self deprecating comment about my lack of will power, except I think I have a valid reason for writing. I hope you’ll at least hear me out. If not… well, I understand.
I’ve been trying, pretty much since the day we saw it, to live life by the Rent credo. “There’s only us. There’s only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today.” It goes quite well with the other truth in life I try to live by – never leave angry, you might never see the person again.
I’m afraid I’ve not been living by either one very well. Although I agree with the Rent credo (living in either the past or the future alone is bad), I don’t think it’s possible to only be focused on the moment – life loses just as much focus that way as it does if you only look to the past, or future. And as for leaving angry… I think it’s pretty obvious I did that.
It might amuse you, at least somewhat ironically, that I had not intended to break things off with you yesterday. I suppose you could say that I got cold feet and chickened out once I started talking to you; based on your comments about Jan 10th not having any ‘meaning’ anymore, and your comments about not really being married, I assumed you wouldn’t care to hear what I had to suggest. I felt like making the suggestion would put me even farther out on a limb, and end up doing nothing but making me more vulnerable. (It was, for the record, a suggestion to see a marriage/family counselor, while continuing on with things as they had been.)
I had wanted to have a calm conversation with you to discuss things, and have breaking up be the option if you weren’t willing to compromise on something, so that I felt the balance was more equal. Unfortunately that didn’t happen; some of that can be attributed to stresses you’re not aware of, I’m sure some can be attributed to stresses that I’m not aware you’re under, some of it is obvious. A lot of it came from the things you said – although I do appreciate your honesty, it hurts to hear I don’t mean what I once meant to you. (And it’s confusing to try to understand why you would have wanted anything to do with me, if I don’t hold the meaning I once did.)
Anyhow; that’s all irrelevant. I’m sorry that I left angry, and that you did as well. It’s not the memory of you I want to carry with me (and I don’t want you to remember me angry with you). If I could do it over again, I would. Since I can’t, I hope you accept my apology for not having been as graceful as I had wanted to be.
With fondest memory,