Life as an Extreme Sport

unpleasant dreams

The last two nights, I’ve taken a whole pill of the trazadone, hoping it would help me fall asleep and keep me asleep; I had decent luck the first couple of nights I tried a half dose, so logic said the full dose would do wonders. Instead, it appears to bring nightmares that shake me awake 2 and 1/2 hours after falling asleep. Tonight is the second night, same time, same sort of dreams.

Dreams about him. Tonight, that we lived in a fourplex, me on the top left corner, him on the bottom right. Him and her. And he had helped me and suggested things with my apartment when I first got it (an apartment bearing striking resemblance to a place I lived when I was still in Fremont, with the evil ex). Then things got hostile, we broke up “for real” and he started to rewrite life and what our relationship was and how he thought about it. At least that last bit was true to life.

Anyhow, in the dream, she came into the picture, and eventually circumstances led to us having tea while he sat outside and talked on the phone with his mother and sister. Over the course of the conversation, I learned just what history he’d rewritten, and what lies he said about me. I guess it “helps” that somee of this has actually come to me through the grapevine. My mind can easily supply details. And I also learned what things were still broken with him and causing problems – many of the same with he and I, which makes sense, since they’re things that he never thought were wrong, like his relationship with his mother and eldest sister.

But anyhow. Not really dreams I need to have in the first place. It seems like whenever I think my heart is doing okay and getting along, something comes around to remind me of just how badly I still hurt.

There is no sad emoticon here, but I would use it if I could.