Trimpin gave a lecture this evening at the Henry, to accompany the opening of Phfft, a musical installation piece that allows the viewer to manipulate dials to change the pitch and tone of notes, or to press a button to listen to preprogrammed pieces. During the exhibit exploration, I found myself very hands on and focused. It was the sitting and listening to the lecture that the problems cropped up. Watching slides of prior exhibits go by, something, some picture and description, came up and the thought floated to the surface of my brain: you would like this.
Blink. Blink. There is no “you” anymore, and the subconscios training of looking for things that you would like needs to stop. But it goes further than that; a simple thought and I suddenly chase backwards among the others and the rest of the day, and wonder: did I actually enjoy the exhibit? Have I actually been enjoying the slides I’ve been watching? Or am I just conditioned to look for and then integrate the things you would like, because it was always easier than standing up for and trying to discuss that which I liked and found interesting. How much of me and what I find interesting belongs to me, and what is just artifact, shadow?
Perhaps more importantly, if this is really me and what I find interesting, so closely tied to you, how do I then move beyond when bits of me remind me of you?