Life as an Extreme Sport

The Taste Of This River Mud

… they say you can’t step in the same river twice well I’ve been stepping in this river seems like most of my life…

Woke up this morning tired, sore, and utterly happy. The Duncan Sheik show was incredible, absolutely amazing and much more than I could have ever hoped for. He was so much better in concert than on CD, which is a real treat (and oddity) in the era of studio bands.

And then I checked my eMail.

… they say even the weariest river in the end will find the sea but here among the cat tails all we discuss is breaking free…

From: Jenna *
Fwd: Hey

From: David G*
To: Jenna *
Sent: 5/16/01 9:11 PM
Subject: Hey

Since I don’t have her email address, would you let Kelly know I said “Happy Birthday.. no thank you necessary”.. I’d appreciate it.. I’m sure I’ll talk to her again some day.. it’s inevitable..
And by the way, I understand why you wouldn’t, but you didn’t mention Mars had left her.. I’m genuinely sorry to hear it.. that’s a hard pain..

… so sharpen up those dragging hooks tie that sheep shank tight, cast into the water boys we’re dragging for lost souls tonight…

I don’t know if I can really express my reaction. I don’t know that I can accurately describe the fear, terror and other emotions that flooded through me. I’m going to try. I owe it to everyone who had to deal with me today.

I generally know better than to answer eMail when I’m angry/tired/hurt/etc; unfortunately, I forgot that lesson this morning, and Jenna received a good amount of the galewind explosion of emotion. For this, Jenna, once again I sincerely apologize. And perhaps I didn’t tell you, but thank you. It made me aware of … well, I’ll finish that thought in a moment.

My first response is “jesus christ, I’ve not spoken to this guy in four years and he still thinks about me?” Get over it does not even begin to express the depth of that emotion. Sure, I certainly still think about people I knew from back when, but I don’t make an effort to contact them, let alone have their best friend tell them I said happy birthday, and it’s inevitable I’ll talk to them again.

As for that whole inevitable thing. My response here was interesting. Besides the obvious “hell no”, of course, there was the response of sheer terror. I didn’t fully, consciously realize that this person is the one person who makes me fear for my life. He’s still convinced he will see me after I’ve said nothing to him in so long? I don’t want him to find me, contact me, or anything else. I have no good thoughts, no good memories, and I’m afraid that should he appear on my doorstep, he would not take no for an answer. I don’t think he would. And I feel like it would be my death.

I’ve never felt like this before. I don’t like it. ‘Back when’ dying didn’t bother me too much. I gave it a go once or twice, and the thought of being murdered scared me in the short term but actually seemed like it would be a relief in the long term. But nowdays, nowdays I like my life. I like where things are going, and am enjoying the wandering path I am on.

I don’t want him back in my life.

Unfortunately, what I’ve taken as a simply stated threat is not enough to get a restraining order or anything else up against him. I’ll just have to hope, for now, that he stays in California, and watch my back a little more. Be more careful at night. I know it sounds paranoid, but it’s how I feel. Like I am in danger. I’ve even gone so far as to set up a safe house with friends. I don’t think it will be necessary right now (hopefully never), but I still wanted a place I could run to if I needed to. If he did show up.

As well, now you all bear witness to my fear. As to the rest of his letter, I don’t know how he found out and I don’t really care. I’m not going to dignify it with a response.

* Edited on May 22. I’m a huge privacy advocate, and here I go posting peoples last names on my site. Yeeesh.