Life as an Extreme Sport

the pain that you feel only can heal by living

Analogies and anecdotes function as mini-narratives set against a shared meta-narrative. Combined with metaphor, they allow us to quickly link ideas to a familiar, grounded and shared place. …why yes, I am in school this quarter, why do you ask?

No, there’s actually a thought and point to this, which is:
Going to the dentist is an almost universal experience for all of us reading this. Almost everyone has, at one time, had a shot of novicane and felt the prick and pain, and then a few minutes later, the numbness. It’s been my experience that the numbness is typically there a minute or three before you notice it; it creeps up on you. You’re aware it’s going to happen, but when your gum does go numb and you realize it, there’s still a small jolt of surprise.

I’ve realized recently that I’ve been numb, and I’ve had that small jolt of surprise in the realization. There have certainly been enough moments of pain in the last while that it’s not a surprise, and I think part of me was expecting it, but to realize that I have been is still something of a shock. I think what’s more surprising is realizing that I’m coming out of the numbness as I realize the numbness itself.

I’m feeling again, feeling alive and creative and energetic. I want to write and make music and sing, see friends and laugh and hug and have contact. I’m dreaming of the future, of degrees, homes, places to go, people I’ll meet and that I want to meet. Of what I want in a mate, should that opportunity ever arise.

I guess this means I’m moving on. It still hurts, and I still feel raw. I’m angry about a lot of things, things that were said to me about me, about other people, things that were done and not done. But I see a life ahead of me that will be good, because I will make it good.

A few of you are going to laugh and nod and think it’s all because of one thing – one person. Maybe, but I think I’m only noticing that person because I’m unfurling myself. I’m talking to people about how I feel when I feel it; when I’m hurt, angry, sad, or giddy and silly and flirty and electric. I’m seeing that people do mean it when they say they’re there. I’m seeing people genuinely light up and smile when they see me out and about, feeling comfortable to just drop in on friends – if all these things hadn’t been slowly building up and happening over the last while, I don’t think I would have even noticed the potential in front of me.

The pain that you feel only can heal by living.

Is there a point, beyond vague references and commenting about feeling better? Of course; I seem to have needed to hit this particular point before I was able, ready to say “send me the paperwork and I’ll sign it.” But I did, and I will, and I will continue to heal by living.