The day started off beautifully, and just did one of those midtempo shifts that left me crying in the SUNY parking lot. I just cracked, much like a certain fairy tale egg, and the final straw (to mix my metaphors wildly) was stepping outside the front door and smelling the rain.
As Genevieve noted elsewhere, earlier today, Seattleites know rain like Eskimo’s know snow. There are different kinds of rain, for different sorts of seasons, and when I walked outside today the scent that hit me, overwhelmed me, made me realize just how out of my depth I am, was that sweet spring Seattle rain. Fresh, light, almost loamy, refreshing – like a forest, damp and warm and just good. My favourite kind of rain to sit outside in, at a fountain or park, the dockside, or even some cemeteries.
I’m having one of those days where I wonder if I can do this. I wonder if I’m truly as kind and compassionate and warm as I want to be. Being back here makes it hard to judge myself against my norm, since back here, I’m several times warmer, friendlier, and more cheerful than other people. (As I told Lisa, it’s a scary place where I am the cheerful one!) And I’m worried. Lack of communication is the one thing that really makes me spin out and freak out (we’ll thank the ex for that one), and I’m not convinced, right now, I can do this.
Of course, today was also probably the worst day to forget to take my medications, and be sans pain control. Everything ached more, and I had the patience of a gnat by 4pm.
I just wish… I realized, when I was in Seattle, that I touched more people in my short (less than 36 hour) stay there than I have since I left Seattle in June, 2006. People back here are not affectionate, not in the same way. In fact, I’m pretty sure today is the first time I’ve touched anyone since I was in Seattle.
Sigh. This is all over the place. That’s because I feel like I’ve been hit my a freight truck and hosed down with a fire hose. But at least I’ll have teflon skin with this is all said and done…
When it rains, eh? When it rains…