Life as an Extreme Sport

beauty in the rising signs

I’m sitting at my desk, a little after 9pm on a Saturday night. The sun has set, the sky is a rich indigo, the trees inky black stains against it. Jupiter is rising, bright twinkling just peaking over the copse of redwoods in the distance. The air is sweet with the richness that comes from being near water and forest, a loamy earth-scent that is warm and familiar, relaxing. I’ll need a sweater, soon – a sweater in summertime, something I haven’t experienced in a long time. I’m tired. Exhausted. Bone weary and barely moving. I was expecting this, but wasn’t expecting the additional strain on ankles and knees – the only thing that makes sense is having sprained an ankle and not noticing, something that is too easy to do. I spent most of the day napping, reading, stretched out on my bed like a cat in a sunbeam,

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passages

Last night, and for the first time, I talked about and cried about my mother to another person – well, to a friend. (I’m pretty sure the one off counselor I tried to see when I realized things weren’t going well doesn’t count.) And as expected, I’m feeling rather weirdly raw and vulnerable this morning (my morning after’s are so much less interesting than other people, aren’t they?), but… I don’t know if better is the right word, but maybe looser? A little less tight, a little more relaxed. A little more like there might be a safety net if I fall. Sort of related, I’ve realized lately how much I miss feeling music – I’ve been listening to very bass/drum heavy goth and industrial music in the car of late, making sure to rest my leg on the speaker, or have a hand on the roof (which is great

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waffles

Life is hard, and a lot of it is not about the mistakes you make, but the lessons you learn after – and how you react. Do you integrate and learn and modify, or do you stay in a rut? It’s tempting to stay in ruts – they’re worn out and comfortable and familiar. But you feel better if you learn and modify and grow. No one ever likes to be stagnant. I’ve never been shy about what drives my pull, sometimes, to drop everything and turn course, to go into forensics, do something Extremely Stupid like join the FBI. It’s not really the work, it’s the depictions of camaraderie. It’s why the military always appealed, even though oh my god, can you imagine me in the military, or anyone trying to give me orders? Yeah – it just doesn’t end well in your mind, does it? But camaraderie. The

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hurdles

I bit one bullet today, and admitted to a colleague today just how badly I have been doing, and why, and what steps I’ve taken to try to fix it, and how it’s not worked, and what I’m doing now to attempt to wrestle things back under control. She’s not dumb, and had figured most of it out… but just the act of saying “look, I’ve been barely holding it together, and here’s why” was both terrifying and liberating. Mostly terrifying, though. People are such harsh judges, at times, and I feel like this is one thing that if I am judged for, again, harshly – or more harshly than I have been on myself – that it might just be that final straw on the camel. Which sounds so much more overwrought than I intend it to, or it is. I have never, in my adult life, fallen apart

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she said it so much better

It’s funny. One of my dearest friends is going through something almost identical to me right now, but the circumstances of our lives just makes it near impossible for us to talk to one another. At about the same time I was posting the below, she was posting a similar thought in her own journal, only she managed to be so much more succinct and on the nose with it all: Whenever I try to talk to someone about it all, the response I tend to get is basically, “Suck it up.” (In nicer terminology, of course). The problem is, I don’t know if I can anymore. B~ once told me my tendency to just keep taking everything on and sucking it up was going to backfire in a job someday, and I can see that happening at this one – on the one hand, the faculty says, “Don’t take

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