Life as an Extreme Sport

coming up for air

I’ve a test on Kant, and various interpretations and critiques, in just a few short hours, but am coming up for a bit of air and a break before my brain melts out my ears, as it is wont to do whenever Kant’s the subject of conversation. I’ve been pretty clear about my general dislike of Kant, and how absolutely dirty and in need of worshiping at the altar of utilitarianism after going out of my want to defend Kant and especially the motive of duty. That said, the more I read, especially of Michael Stocker, the harder it is I find to disagree with one of the very basic of Kant’s maxims: never treat people merely as means, but also as ends. (I think part of it just comes from the traditional German wordiness of that time period; say what you mean, people, not just what sounds pretty!) Treat

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strange days of gratitude

I guess you know I’m tired when I sit down to the computer and start typing, and wake up 3 hours later, still sitting up at the computer. As far as I can tell, I hung up the phone with Dad and fell asleep almost immediately after that; it’s basically where my memory stops, anyhow. (Experience has taught me I was probably active a bit longer than that, since I tend to lose the last 15-20 minutes of memory when I fall asleep like that – zaps the internal p-ram or somesuch.) It’s weird to do that, especially since I partly recognize it’s because I took my nightly medications closely together, rather than spaced out like I normally do. I try not to think hard, or much, about the medications I take, except to space taking them out a bit, because I could work myself into a major freakout quickly

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A Matter of Trust, A Leap of Faith

Another surprisingly good day. I did something that can be a bit hard for me (as I am, regardless of the fact that no one believes me, quite shy and introverted), and sought out several people I’ve specifically had problems with in the past year to clear the air, apologize for not talking to them immediately when something bothered me, and in one case, spent quite a while quietly talking and thinking about what factored into the perfect storm that threw us off the rails. For all I write, and talk, I actually find it very difficult to say, clearly and calmly, “I feel [whatever]” about a subject. I admit it’s my big area of broken; I don’t have the best social skills, and I play my feelings very close to my chest. I have a hard time opening up to people; I will happily chatter for days about any

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returning to beginning

Today started out with a lot of dread. I went to campus to talk to people in my department, both professors and colleagues, and I didn’t know what to expect. I’ve been a lot more withdrawn these last six weeks than normal for me, avoiding being online, and people in general. It was going to be trial by fire, throwing myself from limited contact – my family, Michael, Laurie, Daniel – to anyone who wanted to walk up and say hello. And then I forgot to bring sedatives. You laugh, but they were my just in case. Get overwhelmed, excuse self to get a coffee and have 15 minutes of quiet while a sedative kicked in and I had that slight anesthetic effect to let me regain control and composure. Woops, and oh well. Thankfully, they weren’t needed. For whatever reason, the graduate office was relatively deserted today, and I

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