This has been on my mind for a few days, but a close friend really drove the point home this morning. She wondered what point there is to ‘good’ when everything seems so damned negative… For the last few days, I’ve been reflecting on how much I can focus on the negative, and what I don’t like or am unhappy about; I so often forget to share the positive. (It’s kind of like the evening news; who cares if it’s a good story, show us the blood and gore!)

Maybe if we all spent even just a few minutes out of every day reflecting on the positive in our lives, the negatives would seem less negative – it’s certainly a nice idea. Better yet, we should spend that time vocalizing it to the people we are about. And, at the moment, it’s an idea I’d like to try. After all, I have a few years to catch up on…

Friday was a beautiful morning. I woke on my own, without an alarm clock. It was a rather luxurious 11am when I woke up, and I took my time showering. The day was beautiful; clear, crisp weather. Blue skies, no clouds, birds chirping, and squirrels chattering. The air had a fresh snap to it, full of promise. I wandered in to work at 12:30 in the afternoon, had a good lunch, and my afternoon meeting went well. I had absolutely no need to self medicate with free alcohol after the meeting; I drank just to have a few beers with friends. Later in the afternoon, Karen – a charming girl I work with – was offered a full time position at Microsoft. And in the evening I went out with Jen and Diana; drinking, dinner, and girl talk.

How more perfect a day could you ask?

Saturday dawned with the same beauty and promise, and the day was all I could have hoped for. I spent it in the company of six people who are intelligent, funny, scatterbrained; who have gone out of their way to make me feel included in their social group.

But really, my positives, my blessings, extend so much further than waking up to a warm day. I have wonderful friends…

Russell, who can follow the most esoteric conversations, who I can talk to about anything, who always had a wise word or comfortable shoulder to lean against. Deb, who keeps me grounded, and is my window, my connection to being a woman. Willie, who touches my soul with his smiles, who never lets me take myself too seriously. Fredrik and Adam, who are constantly showing up my expectations, and who are teaching me how to make friends again. Diana, Dave, Karen, Jen, Ryan, Athena, Jeff… all taking the time from their busy lives to include me in their social lives and friendships, all teaching me that new people see me as interesting and compelling.

Most mornings I wake with a smile, most evenings one of my friends is the last thought across my mind before I sleep. I don’t take as much time as I should to thank these people, to tell them what an impact they have on me, how wonderful I think they are. I imagine we’re all like that – we forget to share our positive impressions, but we never drop the negative ones. Perhaps it’s something we could all try, just a little, to change. Perhaps we can always wake to blue skies.

It’s been strange. I really didn’t think of you at all last week; in fact, the only time you came to mind was when I realized that I hadn’t been thinking of you. I guess that’s the blessing of staying busy – and have I ever. Work takes the usual ton of my time, and I’m working on improving my social life. Not in great leaps and bounds, but I went to the movies with David and Diana (gaming buddies) Friday evening, and that was fun. Add dinner with the NetCfg folks a few nights last week, and gaming on Saturday, and it was a busy week. Unfortunately, stressful as well.

Friday was particularily bad; I actually went and got a bit drunk to take the edge off of dealing with Krishna – as William said today, there is a problem if I have to medicate myself to deal with the dev manager. Heh. Still, with dinner and movie with friends, (and alcohol beforehand) I was fine… today, tho. Today was another story. It wasn’t anything truly work related…

The general manager is holding a party tomorrow; salsa dancing, food, beer, etc. They sent out the invite last week, and we were all thrilled. And then today, four of us receive an eMail saying “we’re very sorry that your names were accidentally added to this mailing, which was only for full time employees…” For some reason, that just shattered my resolve, my strength. Then I missed you. Then I felt all the pain and loneliness, saw some of my behaviour for what it truly has been.

Did you know – no, of course you wouldn’t know – I haven’t changed my sheets yet? I bought myself new cotton sheets to replace the flannels with (so I can finally wash the flannels), yet hadn’t found the time to swap everything out. Last night I began to wonder – have I not changed them out because I don’t have the time, or because they smell like you? Can you believe I actually smelled my sheets? Ha!

After reflecting on it this afternoon, I realized that it’s not so much the scent of you that has me unwilling to change these sheets. It’s the fact that they are warm, they cuddle around me and provide a safe nest. Much like what you used to do for me, and what you did for me in that bed, with those sheets.

New sheets will be cool, cold, crisp. Impersonal. A lot like my life at the moment.

I can’t help gasping for air, I feel like I’ve been kicked in the chest. Every time I close my eyes vivid memories stream like movie reels, reminding me of you. Scrolling back to the first time we met, the first time we touched, we kissed, we made love. Standing in the doorway of Allisons guest room, sky and room lit by a full silver moon, turning your pale skin to alabaster. Graceful as a cat you removed your clothes, and I fell out of mine and into you.

Memories from so long ago, so vivid. It could have been yesterday. I can still taste your lips – you always tasted like fresh fruit to me. I can feel your skin under my hands. I can feel your body against mine, breathing in tandem.

It hurts. Why did you throw this all away?

Dear Mars,
Yesterday was interesting. Day one, I suppose you could call it, of my ‘getting over’ you. For the first time in my life, I have been able to identify with what an addict must go thru during withdrawal. The day was not a matter of just working, it was a conscious effort to get through every minute, every hour, without calling or writing you. There is peace, however. Something I’ve not felt in a while – life has settled a bit, I suppose. I’m no longer wondering what will happen, and when. It’s a bit like having had your wisdom teeth out – something that was such an intimate part of your every day life is gone, and there is a gaping hole, yet at the same time there is a huge relief of pressure. (Perhaps a bad analogy.)

I don’t want to mislead you into thinking my day was miserable – it wasn’t. In fact, a lot of it was awfully fun. There were some interesting exchanges with several guys; the noteworthy was of course with Sachin. He did the cutest little “wave hello without letting his friends see he was waving hello” thing in the cafeteria. Jim (one of my coworkers) and I also had a blast teasing him about looking to see if people were married. Poor guy couldn’t get himself out of the hole he had dug there – first claimed that it was hard not to notice, then tried to pass it off on the lights being bright, reflecting off of shiney objects, and finally fell back to saying he was just observant, because the jewelry a person wears tells a lot about them. “Some guy with a plain ring is likely to be boring” – I thought you would agree with that. (Jim, of course, has a plain gold wedding ring.)

I had some good conversations with some other people, too. Getting back on track with Karen, and spent a good hour talking to Matt, one of the server guys, too. In the evening, I hung out in Shiloh and TeamCT – Willie went out of his way to keep me entertained last night, which was sweet. For some reason, the nights are a lot harder right now. The emptiness of the hallways here reflects the emptiness inside of me. I compensate by turning the music up loudly and trying to focus on other tasks … but it’s just a minor distraction.

I also just found out that my gaming session has been cancelled for this weekend, which leaves me wondering what to do with tomorrow. The practical part of me says I should come in to work – I’ve got quite an impressive backlog of ‘important things’ at the moment, and working over the weekend could really help me get caught up. Deb is also going back to Vermont tomorrow, and I’m sure Russ could use the company. Who knows – I’ll decide in the morning.

Speaking of work, I should be…
-Kelly

Mars,
Well, six hours. I was hoping for at least twenty four. I’d make a self deprecating comment about my lack of will power, except I think I have a valid reason for writing. I hope you’ll at least hear me out. If not… well, I understand.

I’ve been trying, pretty much since the day we saw it, to live life by the Rent credo. “There’s only us. There’s only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today.” It goes quite well with the other truth in life I try to live by – never leave angry, you might never see the person again.

I’m afraid I’ve not been living by either one very well. Although I agree with the Rent credo (living in either the past or the future alone is bad), I don’t think it’s possible to only be focused on the moment – life loses just as much focus that way as it does if you only look to the past, or future. And as for leaving angry… I think it’s pretty obvious I did that.

It might amuse you, at least somewhat ironically, that I had not intended to break things off with you yesterday. I suppose you could say that I got cold feet and chickened out once I started talking to you; based on your comments about Jan 10th not having any ‘meaning’ anymore, and your comments about not really being married, I assumed you wouldn’t care to hear what I had to suggest. I felt like making the suggestion would put me even farther out on a limb, and end up doing nothing but making me more vulnerable. (It was, for the record, a suggestion to see a marriage/family counselor, while continuing on with things as they had been.)

I had wanted to have a calm conversation with you to discuss things, and have breaking up be the option if you weren’t willing to compromise on something, so that I felt the balance was more equal. Unfortunately that didn’t happen; some of that can be attributed to stresses you’re not aware of, I’m sure some can be attributed to stresses that I’m not aware you’re under, some of it is obvious. A lot of it came from the things you said – although I do appreciate your honesty, it hurts to hear I don’t mean what I once meant to you. (And it’s confusing to try to understand why you would have wanted anything to do with me, if I don’t hold the meaning I once did.)

Anyhow; that’s all irrelevant. I’m sorry that I left angry, and that you did as well. It’s not the memory of you I want to carry with me (and I don’t want you to remember me angry with you). If I could do it over again, I would. Since I can’t, I hope you accept my apology for not having been as graceful as I had wanted to be.

With fondest memory,
-Kelly