There is something exceedingly soothing about falling snow. Especially when the flakes land like kisses on your cheeks.
Merry Christmas, y’all.
Archive for the ‘KellyZen’ Category
meditation on a white christmas
Tuesday, December 25th, 2007 0
Posted in KellyZen, life and living |
semiotics on flesh
Thursday, September 27th, 2007I am a study in signs right now. (Well, not right now – right now I’m a study in “oh fucking hell it’s too late in the year to be this muggy and hot!”) Everything I put on seems to have meaning, of some sort or another. Rubber bracelet with pithy slogan, stamped and brushed silver bracelet, ring, mala, pendant, locket – even earrings. Small bits of meaning woven into each, almost charmlike. The impulses to wear give some insight into the idea that having something that belonged to another gives you some power, over event, item, person. Tangible connections, ties that bind.
~*~
It has come to my attention that some people think I am, perhaps, upset, frustrated, and/or otherwise angry and disappointed with/at them. Some people should stop being stupid. Or come talk to me. Actually, both would be best.
I will be the first to stand up and admit I have issues with trusting. Take those issues, add in the utter fear of vulnerability which stems directly from having issues with trust, and you get – well, me. Someone who has a very hard time putting herself in issues she perceives will make her vulnerable – where vulnerable can be read as “hurt by other’s actions.” It also gets you someone who talks about herself in third person, apparently,…
I was talking to one of my sanity points this morning, and admitted that it’s much easier to be angry at people than it is to be angry at something as intangible and insubstantial as cancer. There’s the perception that people have choices, could have done something differently, made other decisions – easier to be wronged by people than impotent in the face of the cancer taking my mother from me.
I need people, but I need my mother more. And there’s nothing anyone can do about the latter, nothing anger will do anything about or for. So I got angry at other people instead. Because it was easier to say “you didn’t do X, Y, Z, you don’t give a damn” and fall back into bad habits about trust and vulnerability and that secret conviction that I’m going to spin around to find everyone stabbing me in the back all at once, rather than see the empathy and care that was being offered.
I have every right to be frustrated and angry – but the frustration and anger were directed at the wrong sources. And if you were one of those people who got whalloped with my rage, I apologize. And we should probably talk, and smooth things over.
you can generate warmth in multiple ways
Tuesday, September 25th, 2007I’m sitting outside right now, taking advantage of the last days of autumn, before it becomes too brisk, cold, and wet to do this. I’ve found an open access point at the park, and am hiding under the shade at a picnic bench. It’ll be the perfect place to take a conference call.
I’m going to have to figure out a more permanent and stable arrangement for internet access before the wet weather sets in, though – this on again, off again internet at home isn’t working for me. (Which makes me suspect I need to switch from cable internet to DSL, a thought which pains. But when the cable is as flaky as it is, no matter whose internet connection it is, then there is a greater problem. The last time I spoke with the company about it, they told me the area I live in is old, and has a lot of above ground cable connections that go out easily. Which, okay fine… but I can’t do most of what needs doing from such spotty access!)
Beyond that, life is as it is. I have, for the most part, moved beyond asking why me – although I have some interesting variances. Which suggests I’m not really beyond it, I’m just generating a subtle distinctions that come across as meaningful when it means I’m really running from the greater picture. Which is all lovely and vague, and all you’re going to get.
kill the buddha outside you
Thursday, September 13th, 2007I was chatting with an academic colleague of mine about the recent attack in Pakistan on a large, carved Buddha, and actually impressed myself with my own serenity and acceptance. Quite the different response from my reaction to the destruction of the Bamiyan Buddhas (outrage, anger, despair).
But as I told him, it is only rock, and only appears indestructable to use because we move at different time than rock. To focus so much on the image is in fact to do exactly what the Islamic militants fear – idolize the image, instead of revere the message.
Ultimately, what I feel is more sorrow and sadness, not for the destruction of the carved art and stone, but for the people who are so ruled by fear, who are so threatened by something as simple as carved rock. How sad and small their lives must be, and what beauty and wonder in the world they are missing.
you repeat mantras for a reason
Wednesday, September 12th, 2007Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had
to kill today because they pissed me off.